Today the morning started with a message asking me to speak or perform for women on the occasion of Karva Chauth, and by evening I had handled two cases of sexless and unfulfilled marriages.
The rituals have continued for centuries, and when I ask men for their opinion about Karva Chauth, most of them give an ambiguous answer: her wish. My wife's choice. If she likes, she can, and if she doesn't, it's OK.
The same goes for the dowry system. If men won't speak and take one strong side, how will change come? Deep down, have they internalized the patriarchal mindset, and are they afraid to take a strong stand and say they don't believe in it? Not only behind closed bedroom doors to appease their wives, but openly and publicly, standing with their wives against any redundant and obsolete thinking.
These unmatched emotional states are often the cause of sexless marriages. What a painful state to be in. Sex is still not understood in the land of the Kamasutra.
Couples in their 30s and 40s complain about no sexual chemistry in their married life. Some say they did it the mechanical way, to have kids.
Keep repeating this after me until you start asking me questions:
Sex, intimacy, and pleasure are first mental, then physical, and they have to be created.
Please repeat that sentence five times.
As life's responsibilities increase, certain medical conditions emerge and work pressures grow, and sex life and intimacy are hit hard. It will not be automatic. You will have to create the magic. Find time to love.
- 01
Get dressed for your partner.
Pull out her favorite T-shirt, put on that perfume, wear what your partner likes and appreciates, and the other way around too. Dress up for him, put on some makeup and perfume. Look good for each other, not just for the world.
- 02
Speak with care.
It's not about competing over who is more tired or who is the breadwinner. Both jobs have to be appreciated. Women who are pregnant, breastfeeding, menstruating, or going through menopause need extra care; these bring hormonal and mood changes that are biological and natural. So men who wish to cry “men also have issues,” please quit reading at this point: this article is not catering to misogyny and patriarchy. I am talking about sex and intimacy here, a gentle reminder.
- 03
Create the mood.
From lights to flowers to music, anything that stokes your fantasy. The mood has to be created. Give time to each other by bringing only yourself to bed.
Before writing more pointers, I want to hear from the people who practice these three first. Write to me and tell me how it felt.
Dr. Dimple Kaur Malhotra
Psychologist and Natya Theater artist, founder of Applied Natya Therapy™.